Top Five Regrets to Avoid in Your Life

On December 14, 2010 I sent out a Snapshots based on Randy Pausch's "Guide to a Better Life".  This listed 30 lessons from him with 3 additional ones from me.  Since I received a huge response to the same, I am sending you another 'Snapshots' which looks at life from the opposite view – instead of listing "dos" it focuses on the "don'ts".

This Snapshots is based on a write-up entitled "Top Five Regrets of the Dying" by Dr Bronnie Ware.  I expect that fewer MindTree Minds would have come across this earlier on the Internet than Randy's points.   This may lack the emotional punch of Randy's points, given the context of his speech.  However, I found it more powerful, because it is easier to focus and act on 5 issues than 30 points.  Also, I reason that this should be of high value to all of you who have the majority of your lives ahead (unlike older persons like Chip Bearden and myself!) so that you can live your lives in a way that you won't need to confront these regrets towards the end.

So here goes with what Bronnie Ware has to say.  I have added my own observations at the end of each point.  First, the preamble from Bronnie Ware which gives you the source of his observations:

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1.         I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

My comments: This is the one I agree with most of all and it's a message I frequently communicate directly and indirectly in my sessions on Mission, Vision and Values of MindTree.  So list out your unfulfilled dreams and start fulfilling them.  I did this about 20 years ago and it led me into becoming a late stage entrepreneur.  You need to check what your unfulfilled dreams can do for you!

The point on health is important.  To my mind there are two major factors that influence it (outside of genetic factors etc):

(i)            Making the effort to keep yourself fit to last the distance.  This is why I initiated the Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body program at MindTree.

(ii)           Enjoy what you do and have a positive attitude.



2.            I wish I didn't work so hard

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

My comments:  It may not surprise you that this is one point which doesn't resonate for me (I hope it doesn't surface as a regret years later when it's too late!).  I believe I belong to a breed of "Nevertirees" for whom work is a reward in itself.  If you enjoy what you are doing, if you are passionate about what you are doing, why should one ever regret working hard?  Also, I believe that the busiest people are often the ones who work out an appropriate work-life balance.


3.            I wish I'd the courage to express my feelings.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

My comments: In response to my December 14, 2010 Snapshots, Ritesh Kini sent me  beautiful lyrics from a song called "Everybody's free to wear sunscreen".  Its thought-provoking lines include "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours".  Negative emotions like envy, anger, resentment lead to bitterness and ill health.  So guard against these at all times and get them out of your system.

4.           I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

My comments: The Internet has made this one easier.  I have rediscovered old friends thanks to it and got increasingly involved in things like "golden" reunions.

The song sent by Ritesh also makes a special mention of siblings being as important as  your few close old friends and I would vouch for the same.


5.            I wish that I had let myself be happier

This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

My comments: "Happiness" is a subject on which I have given considerable thought and also one on which I have done considerable reading.  We have a "Happiness and Subjective Well Being" research project going on right now in MindTree.  When we have this output available, I hope to have a separate Snapshots (and maybe more) on the theme of Happiness.

In conclusion, I hope years later each of you can look back on your lives and say that you were able to avoid Bronnie Ware's most frequently observed regrets and other regrets too. Also, I hope you will lead a life where you fulfill most, if not all, of your dreams.

Regards,
Ashok

Ashok Soota | Executive Chairman | MindTree Ltd. | Global Village, RVCE Post, Mysore Road, Bangalore 560 059